Mourning to Night

The loss of someone close to you is inexplicable. If by some miracle you can find the means to accept it, attaining closure is nearly impossible. With this being said, the passing of my friend Lil Pagenstecher had a complicated effect on me. Lil and I were never extremely close but her absence now effects my everyday life. We were friends through mutual friends and it is their infectious sadness which truly makes my heart heavy. Not to say that I am not sad in my own spirit, but seeing those who were close to her hurt so much is no easy task. I’ve never experienced the death of someone so close to my age. I still can’t seem to come to grasps with the fact that I will no longer see her at dancing at parties or crashing on my friend Rachel’s couch. She truly was a one-of-a-kind and genuine person. She lived by my favorite motto: You Only Live Once. In this case it seems ominously and sorely ironic but she, more than anyone I know, lived every day as if it was her last. A paper or a project with an impending due date would never keep Lil in on a Saturday (or Wednesday) night. She always put her own happiness first and for that I admired her. She did what she wanted, when she wanted and never underutilized a single moment. She lived fearlessly and without regret. It is unfair to think that I can continue on with my future while hers was cut so short. Which is why I’ve attempted to find inspiration amidst the tragedy. Lil would have wanted her friends not to dwell. She would’ve encouraged them to go on living their lives as she so  passionately lived hers. I will never know another person like her, and I will never forget her but I will abide by her wishes.

I will move on, and I will create, and I will live for Lil.

She will never know the profound effect she had on those around her. Watching the entire community gather at her vigil helped alleviate some of the pain. Seeing every member of greek life post on her Facebook wall assured me that she will remain in our hearts. She, on her own, brought together so many people and will continue to do so.

Rest in paradise beautiful girl.


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